Quantity and Quality

An essay inspired by Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury.

For I believe that eventually quantity will make for quality. (p. 144)

A few years ago I was enamored with the notion of "first thoughts" (I think I should attribute Natalie Goldberg with this but am not going to dig up the specific reference). I believed then, and think I still do, that it is important to spew forth our first thoughts, stoke around in the pile and see what is of interest to us, and then take that which is interesting and further develop it. Bradbury does that every day, writing at least 1000 words every morning in a "word association" fashion where he simply takes the words that comes to mind and writes and writes. For example, if I were Bradbury right now, I would probably write about M & Ms.

My sweet fix for the day consists of M & Ms except I didn't buy the single pack, no, didn't even buy the king size, I bought the bigger pack...red, white, and blue...the 4th of July special. As I've been sitting here working, I've been eating until 2/3 of the package is gone and I'm sick to my stomach and haven't even had dinner and can't even think of it now. I'm so unable to discipline myself it makes me quite sad as I so want to be a disciplined person. I would like to be one of those people for whom food means nothing--or if it means anything it's a major inconvenience. But I'm not, food means a lot to me and there are certain foods which mark certain occassions for me. Christmas requires the green and red Hershey's kisses, in honor of my mother who for years stuff stockings with Hershey kisses and brought them with her to WV when she came to visit at Christmas, perhaps in case we couldn't get them here. Maybe they were a marked food for her. Then, there's eggs in a cup reminding me of cold winter mornings that had enough time to leisurely eat breakfast. We boil eggs, peel them, put them in a coffee cup, add lots of butter, and smush them up. Even when I didn't like eggs any other way I could always eat eggs in a cup. Now, on to tin roof sundaes--a Van Faussien tradition. I always think of my mother when I think of these delectable deserts--vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce (not fudge sauce), and peanuts. I preferred to mix mine up like a milkshake although for some reason that drove my father crazy. When I lived by myself one of my greatest joys was mixing my ice cream and chocolate sauce up like a milkshake in a bowl.

I detect a theme here...I like foods that are eaten in dishes one normally wouldn't expect them to be eaten in. Eggs in a cup....milkshake in a bowl....does this unveil the food dependent rebel in me? What does this mean about me, about my personality, about my dependencies? I have no idea, but I suspect with a little more thought I might just happen upon something.

Other comfort foods might reveal other patterns of behavior. Grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. Broiled open face tomato and cheese sandwiches. Macaroni and cheese (the way Marcia makes it). Hamburgers, french frieds, and milkshakes on Friday nights. Food was important to my whole family, and perhaps an organizing theme for our family unit. I've noticed this before and have commented on it (don't recall if I've written about it). Every time my parents were coming to visit, or I was going there to visit, food was a major topic of conversation before the visit, during the visit, and after the visit. Before each visit, my dad (mostly) and my mom (because dad drug her into it) would spend hours planning menus, verifying them with me, shopping for them, talking about each day's menu, making adjustments, and finally during the visit, the whole time was spent with food. Dad would always cook a big breakfast (and I do mean big) and then we'd clean up. By the time the kitchen was cleaned up, it was time to prepare for lunch (no peanut butter and jelly there, Dad never liked it). After lunch, we'd have to clean up the kitchen again and then it was time for the dinner prep to begin. Dinner time, and then more cleanup. We'd spend 8 hours a day preparing for or cleaning up after meals, and approximately 1 hour actually at the table. An absolutely amazing imbalance of time spent...not to mention the stress, arguments, and passive behaviors that surrounded all of this activity. It's a wonder anyone had any appetite for most of these meals.

But this means something. Was my father's preoccupation with food a result of not having enough as a child. He was near the end of the line of 9 children during the depression (he was born in 1926). His father was self-employed much of that time and I cannot imagine he brought in much income. Was putting enough food on the table my father's vision of being a good provider? What else did he consider to be consistent with a good provider? Over expressions of love? Rare, but understood if one wanted to. Discipline? Frequent, misunderstood as hate rather than love and perhaps misguided on his part at times. I remember one time my mother said to me, "Honey, we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew." That meant to me that no matter how I understood some of their behaviors that their intent was to be good parents whether or not I perceived them to be or not.

And they were, although I wasn't always aware of it at the time. Together they appeared united to me, showing a consistency that was important to devleping certain patterns of behavior in me and my siblings. If they disagreed about how to respond to certain incidents, I was never aware of it and that was important in order for me to focus on my behaviors not their inconsistencies. Had they been inconsistent I think I might not have recognized that their response to my behaviors was a direct result of my behavior, not of inadequate judgement on their part.

So, those are my first thoughts...random, unorganized, just flowing as Bradbury says they should. Now, I might just decide to go back and pick one of these ideas up and do something with it. Or, I might just decide to let them all lay there...which will be alright because tomorrow I should try writing another 1000 words based upon a word association.