Navigating the Conflicts: Deidre's Story

A Map of the Brain

Tuesday, 2. July 2002

mccomas, July 2, 2002 at 8:43:39 PM CEST

Tension 1:

With honesty wrapped around confusion, I naively thought I would get inside your head To decipher this Wild Ride In store for me.

As Deidre approached this particular assignment she experienced both fear and excitement. She said, "I rarely branch out past what is assigned for fear of being wrong." In response to this fear she admits to trying to uncover the teacher's expectations by "getting inside" my head even though I had given her written instructions for the assignment. In response to this fear and in spite of receiving written instructions for the assignment, Deidre admits to trying to "get inside your [the instructor] head" to uncover the teacher's expectations. In direct conflict with her fear is her excitement about the assignment. Deirdre recalled previous assignments she completed in other courses she has taken from me, "I expected it to be a worthwhile assignment, because up until that point, all of the projects I have worked on with you have been. I was just not sure how it was going to be worthwhile." Recalling her previous experiences with assignments in my classes in a positive manner was helpful to Deidre as she attempted to move through this first tension and on to the actual simulation activity.

[ The first tension Deidre discovers is that of fear and excitement. This is fairly common for her as she approaches a new assignment. Initially, she is confused and readily admits her confusion. In addition, she strives to discern what she believes the teacher's expectations are. Despite the fact that written instructions were provided to her, Deidre attempts to unearth the teacher's expectations suggesting that she suspects (or expects) a hidden or invisible agenda on the part of the teacher. Her confusion and suspicions are in direct conflict with her eager anticipation of attempting this assignment. She recalls previous assignments she has completed in my classes, "I expected it to be a worthwhile assignment, because up until that point, all of the projects I have worked on with you have been. I was just not sure how it was going to be worthwhile."]

Tension 2:

Portraying the professional, Filled with conceit and astonishment, Out of my mouth came, "I am good at this!"
I felt powerful with control, The keeper of knowledge. I seemed to have an answer for everything, But control lies.

Moving beyond the first tension into the actual simulation, Deidre again experienced a conflictor tension, that of the fine line that exists between feeling competent and incompetenct. Early in the role-playing situation, Deidre found confidence, thinking herself to be competent in her role as counselor. This confidence, according to Deidre , stemmed from assuming the posture of "knower" speaking to an individual in need of whatever secrets Deidre knew. While initially reinforced by her new-found control and power, Deidre quickly begins to understand that, when viewed through a different lens, control and power may be seen as negatives. Of her client she says, "I discovered that part of the reason my client's parent was so passive was that I seemed - whether correct or not - to have an answer or at least a comment for everything."

Tension 3:

Looking for an epiphany-- Original, reflective, viable-- I read, at a loss for ideas, when The word "validation" swept across my mind.
I enter the group meeting With the fear of sounding stupid And a feeling in my stomach. I heard, "Explore and expand!" and the wheels began turning.

Once the simulation was completed, Deidre began to analyze her data (simulation transcript, pre-writing and post-writing). Here she faces another tension, whether she should conform in her analysis or go beyond, follow her intuition, and be creative. At first, her efforts to analyze her data yield nothing worthwhile. Later, she finds some themes but realizes they are superficial. Here is where she determines that she wants to be creative instead of a conformist. She talks of her "light bulb moment" (when the word 'validation' presents itself to her) and then immediately realizes she does not know what to do next. This is the state she is in when she attends a group conference (three other members of her response group and the instructor) to discuss her work. The group conference, for Deidre , serves as a catalyst to continue to pursue the central theme of validation. "I can safely say that what made me decide to move forward with my topic was listening to my peers and discovering that they had the same concerns that I had...This gave me confidence that I was not as far off the straight nad narrow as I thought with my topic." She leaves this meeting determined to continue working with her central theme of validation.

Tension 4:

In no particular order A zillion thoughts had fallen onto my paper. However messy, I gave too much blood, sweat, and tears To abort its evolution.
Head poudning, palms sweating, I opened the all too familiar crisp, blue folder to see The words "Come see me" in blood red ink. I felt faint.

As Deidre moves into drafting her paper to present the results of her analysis, she finds herself torn between a desire for order and the presence of chaos. She finds herself in the possession of a "zillion thoughts" and no way to organize them. Thus, they had "fallen onto" her paper with no hope of bringing it all together. Being a self-described perfectionist ("...you know how I am when it comes to doing just enough - the perfectionist in me would never settle..."), a paper with a zillion thoughts on it in no particular order was unsettling to Deidre . At one point in the drafting process, she considers stopping and starting over. She decided against this because she believes she has invested too much of herself into her work up to this point.

Tension 5:

In front of the computer for three hours, Cutting out two entire paragraphs, Rerouting another two, It had to be done.

I'm unclear about the tension here. Is it to save or throw away? It is to protect or to set free? I'll have to think a little bit more about this point.

Tension 6:

How to be transformed? Imagine, don't settle. Reach beyond into intuition, Branch into unknown territory.

Here, the issue is one of her desire to please versus her desire to grow. Through the process of completing this assignment, Deidre makes the decision to grow and hopes that in doing so, she will also please. It is pretty clear here that she is at least satisfied that she has pleased herself. She was hoping in the end to have pleased me.

Transformation Complete:

For the first time, I felt safe. I was proud.

Somehow, in this process of participating in a role-playing situation, analyzing and identifying a central theme, conferencing, drafting, despairing, and pushing onward through revision, Deidre arrives at a space where she feels safe and proud.

Previous: Introduction

Next: Wayne's Story

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