Never Satisfied

I wanted a dark piece of fabric but I'm not certain why. The dark colors stabilize me, provide weight and balance, and perhaps I like that because I need stabilizing and I need balanced. There are contrasts in this piece of fabric, lighter blues placed around in a predictable, repeatable patter - a kind of organization that I ilke. But, as I examine this piece, I'm beginning to wonder why I didn't want the other piece of fabric. It was light, an odd shade of yellow that reminded me of baby poop. But that isn't what turned me away from it. What turned me away was its openness, the way it said, "Come on - dive in!" I couldn't stand that because I couldn't see what I was diving into - that cavernous openness is frightening, it petrifies and paralyzes me.

I remember driving to Philadelphia a few years ago with Dolores and Diane. We had Diane's big vehicle - a Jeep perhaps - and it was my turn behind the wheel. We were in a hilly area and the road was a bit curvy. We were descending a hill and making a curve when all of a sudden the sky opened up and almost swallowed us up! Ahead was a river with a long, high bridge across it and the hills had ended. The whole world was visible to us from there. I nearly choked; panic rose in my throat (and I feel the butterflies in my stomach and a desperate needs for air even as I write this, just thinking of it) and I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach and had teh wind knocked out of me. I was nearly frozen and I sensed this small part of me saying to myself (I hope), "Keep breathing; there now, breathe again; look at the road; no don't look left, don't look up, look at the road; keep talking; breathe." I had no choice but to keep driving for there was nowhere to pull over. I suspect I had an anxiety or panic attack - but I found it so odd because I have claustrophobia; it's supposed to be closed in spaces that I can't stand. Considering the claustrophobia and this panic attack brought on by wide, open, high spaces, I realized that there are few places in the world where I can be.

Well, that was interesting. I ended up writing in resopnse to the swatch of fabric I did NOT want; but in a way, I knew when I put it back that it wasn't going out of my mind. The second I saw that swatch, that bridge came to mind.